I dont even know where to start… my morning started off normal, but all of a sudden it hit me picking up my iphone, and seeing no new messages. As i proceeded through the day, still no messages. It really started getting me thinking. As much as this past weekend hurt, I cant stop thinking about the people that I hurt. I feel like it is one of the most painful feelings that a human can feel is hurting someone else. Weather it is intentional or not, it is such a selfish way to go about life. Fuck the whole stigma of being an asshole, or stepping on people to get ahead. I have had waves of depression hit me over and over again today thinking about how I have hurt my loved ones. Its such a cutting pain, you feel it everywhere. You feel emotionally drained, you feel like sometimes the world would be a better place if you werent in it. I have felt so alone, but I know I deserve it. I know that all this pain, i deserve. The worst possible thing is hurting someone when you didnt even know that you were hurting them. You want to talk to them, and tell them how sorry you are, and how much you love them, and how much you want to give them…. yet you dont. Because no matter how bad you want to contact this person, there is a little voice in your head telling you to stay the hell away from them. That you can not repair what you did to them, and they deserve so much better, and if you come back into their life, you risk hurting them even more.
At this point, I am alone, and hurt. I am alone and hurt do to my own actions, due to hurting other people so much that they cant do it. I would find away to be able to repair what I have done, but the past is the past. And it is taking me learning that the past can not be redone, that the past happened, and its time to move forward. Life teaches you lessons everyday, and sometimes the lessons are painful.
If you are reading this, I wish you knew how hurt I feel for hurting you. I wish you knew how much I love you, and how remorseful I am. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, so I will stay away.
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way